Got a funny joke to tell?

Please feel free to post it here.

Auss

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Blow Job's Revenge

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking
about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender
brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of
Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically
and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts
the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

.at two seconds the Baileys curdles...

.at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it
down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'

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Seven Advantages Of Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid
term. The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers
milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student who had also partied
the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He
finally wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always available as needed.

4. It is always at the right temperature

5. It is inexpensive

6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. And then,
the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end
of the -*test*-('") rang, he wrote...........................

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A."

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Both from ScoreLarge

Have a good one everyone!

Auss

Yeah, at least for the light moment. We need to laugh.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
a Canadian who was visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick
at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event.....

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The con-*test*-('")ant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really chokes me that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My in-*test*-('")ines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No-one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking 4 inch hole in my
stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor Canuck.

another Texas man and his nose

http://eblahforums.com/nim/?b=30,m=1087192308,s=0

That's a good one Shai

I just loved making him go all over the place

Thanks Shai

ngek!

Bill Gates

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

what a guy!

Medical Help
========

Bobby went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."


Written by Peter T.

LMAO! That was a good one!


Thanks Saviola

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LIFE IN CYBER SPACE

You Know You're Hooked When.....

You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot com".

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

You check your mail. It says NO NEW MESSAGES. So you check it again.

Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You tell the cab driver you live at "http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html"

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with NETSCAPE 3.01 or higher".

You never have to deal with busy signals because you never log off.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :-).

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the 'back' button.

Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to tremble.
You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number.
You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect........
And You Succeed!

You Know You're Addicted When....

You meet your best friend for lunch.
She says something funny.
You say: "LOL" or "LMAO"

While cleaning the kitchen counter with the dishcloth,
you glance up at the window, see a fly on it,
and think it's the cursor moving with your mouse.

Your dreams and nightmares are somehow...different
...they are...in TEXT!

Even though you finally turned off your computer
in order to pay attention to some grossly neglected housework,
when a neighbor rings your doorbell,
you find yourself wondering who just signed on.

Your children need to wrestle you to the floor
and pry the mouse out of your hand with a crowbar in order to
use the computer for their homework.

Food is splashed at least three places on your keyboard
and/or monitor - you have had almost as many meals with your
buds in chat rooms as you've had with your family at the dinner table.

That much-anticipated party you were invited to....
the one you bought that pricey outfit for?
You don't go - afterall, all your buds are online tonight!

It's time to start to make dinner.
You tell your family you're just going to quickly check your e-mail
.....2 hours later, you find them munching Cheerios in front of the television
and you think they've played a trick on you by setting the clocks ahead
....it only FELT like 15 minutes!

The bookmark in the novel you began to read the
day before subscribing to AOL is still on page 12.

People who call you and actually get through,
think they have the wrong number.

After work, before taking off your coat and
those terribly uncomfortable shoes, you sign-on to check your mail and bud list
......and that's what you used to do with your answering machine!

You can now sell the answering machine
...all your friends and family know that the only way to
communicate with you is through e-mail.

Redecorating to you no longer means shopping for new curtains
or re-painting the bedroom....it means going into the Control Panel
and changing screen colors.

Cleaning also has a new meaning....
it's not when you use a bucket and mop,
a dust cloth or vacuum cleaner...
it's when you purge your "old mail" and personal filing cabinet.

When you are having dinner with friends
and need to use the restroom, you say to them, "BRB".

You begin to go into music stores asking
for "wavs" instead of CDs.

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Have a good one, everyone

Auss